


Only a Dream

by quirkless_loser



Category: High School Musical (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Dreams, F/F, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:09:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23506636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quirkless_loser/pseuds/quirkless_loser
Summary: Chad has everything going for him, but after reuniting with old friends, he starts dreaming of a life he could've had, and suddenly, his perfect life doesn't seem all that perfect anymore.
Relationships: Chad Danforth/Ryan Evans, Chad Danforth/Taylor McKessie, Sharpay Evans/Kelsi Nielsen
Comments: 11
Kudos: 202





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wierdrocks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wierdrocks/gifts), [WingedWolf121](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingedWolf121/gifts).



> I cannot believe I wrote a HSM fic in the year 2020. Who am I.

_“I’m not saying I’m gonna dance at the show, but if I did, what’d you have me do?” Chad threw out the words like a challenge to push against the tension crystallizing around them, but it only seemed to do the opposite. Whatever had entered the air during the baseball game did not dissipate now that it was over, and Chad couldn’t understand why._

_They all went to the locker rooms afterwards, some just to wash off, others to change shoes (or their whole outfits, for those proactive enough to bring extra clothes). Chad went to rinse his face, reapply deodorant, and bask in his victory with friends. The whole time though, one eye remained focused on Ryan and his slightly awkward attempts to socialize with people he hadn’t ever really talked to before. Chad couldn’t get over seeing such a completely different side to a guy he’d went to school with for years. He also couldn’t get over Ryan’s outfit, which had started the day spotless and blindingly bright white, and was now as dirty as anyone else’s._

_Sometime during the game, he’d changed from Evans to Ryan in Chad’s mind. The guy may be related to his witch of a sister, but they were not the same. Not even close._

_Chad lingered in the locker room for reasons he couldn’t explain. He kept waiting for Ryan to leave, or talk to him, or something. But the guy kept avoiding his gaze, moving away every time Chad approached, or suddenly becoming absorbed in conversation with someone else whenever Chad opened his mouth to speak. But eventually, everyone trickled out in groups of two and three, and they were the only two left._

_“You alright, Danforth?” Ryan asked, and Chad started, having already forgotten that the change from surnames had occurred only in his mind._

_“Yeah,” he said. He face was burning, suddenly, for reasons he could not understand and did not have time to analyze. He decided he was going to rinse off after all, even though he didn’t have other clothes to change into. Maybe that would wash away whatever was churning under his skin._

_He headed into the shower stalls without a word, grabbing one of the provided towels and stripping quickly before starting the water, first too hot, then too cold. He expected Ryan to leave and give Chad a few moments with himself to think. He did not expect the water in the stall next to his to start running a couple minutes later. His skin prickled with the realization that Ryan had stayed, and was right next to him, separated by very little of anything at all._

_He didn’t know why this bothered him. Maybe he didn’t want to know, or maybe he just didn’t think it mattered, but either way, he’d never showered so quickly in his life. Then he was stepping out, towel wrapped around his waist as he headed for the haphazard pile of clothes thrown onto the bench. Ryan’s were piled neatly beside his. As he stared at them, he heard the water stop._

_Chad didn’t move when Ryan stepped up behind him with soft footsteps._

_“You sure you’re alright?” Ryan asked, tentatively, like he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer._

_“Yeah,” Chad said without thinking, and then, like an idiot, he turned around._

_They stood very close, much closer than Chad had expected. He wasn’t prepared to see Ryan’s eyes, suddenly so large and wide, pupils dilated to an insane degree. He watched a droplet of water escape his hair and roll down his nose to curl around his lips._

_When Chad swallowed, his throat was very dry._

_Ryan took the tiniest step forward, so small that Chad only noticed because he was noticing everything. The subtle definition on Ryan’s arms and waist. The smooth pale skin. The faint something taking over his lips as they curved upward._

_They stared at each other. Ryan seemed to be waiting for something, something Chad didn’t quite understand, or maybe he did. He was frozen, hoping with every fiber of his being that Ryan wouldn’t take another step forward because there was barely any space left between them and every time Ryan exhaled Chad felt the hot breath on his face. Or maybe he did want Ryan to take that step and that was the problem, the real thing that had frozen Chad suddenly to the floor of this locker room that was nicer than any locker room he had ever been in. He did not belong here with these unmarked walls and fluffy towels and this boy who was looking at him like he could read his mind but wasn’t quite sure he believed his own interpretation._

_Ryan’s lips parted ever so slightly, and it was too much. Chad cleared his throat, loudly, painfully, and Ryan blinked like he was coming out of a dream. He took a step back and Chad could finally breathe again._

_He grabbed a shirt without really looking, and only after Chad put it on did he realize it wasn’t his. “Oh shit, sorry,” he started to say, already about to pull it back off._

_“Keep it,” Ryan said, smirking in a way that did not reach his eyes. “We’re about the same size anyway.”_

_Chad’s skin prickled again at those words, but he did not waste time thinking about why. He finished dressing in Ryan’s clothes and did not think about the way they smelled, or looked, or felt. He did not gaze too long at what Ryan was doing, or how Chad’s clothes looked like they were made for him in a way that they never quite seemed made for Chad himself._

_They left the locker room without looking at each other, and ordered some food because everyone else had, sitting together like nothing had changed. Desperate to forget whatever had just happened, Chad blurted, “So you call that a_ little _game?”_

_When Gabriella and Taylor showed up moments later, Chad focused his attention on them, and did not focus on how Ryan’s smile looked a little less genuine than before._

Chad fixes his shirt in the refrigerator’s reflective surface. Taylor has strict standards when it comes to events like this, constantly muttering things like _you never know who might be there, or where pictures may end up_. She’d always had big dreams in the political world, but despite her brilliance and hard work, she still hasn’t gotten her big break. Sometimes Chad worries it’s his fault. Sometimes he thinks he holds her back.

“You ready?” Taylor asks. She’s checking their bags to make sure they packed everything, even though she’s already done so twice. “It’s about an hour drive, and I don’t want to be late.”

“Then let’s go.” Chad grabs the bags and drags them to the car, and they’re off.

Taylor drives because her car is nicer than his. Normally Chad doesn’t mind, but he would’ve liked the distraction today. The whole time, Chad fiddles with the radio dial and taps his fingers along his arms.

“We haven’t seen some of them in a while,” Taylor says. “You think it’ll be weird?”

Chad shrugs. “Guess we’ll see.”

Lava Springs looks just how Chad remembers it. He knows the Evans family has closed the grounds this week for select guests only, but it doesn’t look any less busy than usual. If anything, it might be even _busier_.

They follow handmade signs to a side entrance that leads to a small ballroom Chad never seen when he worked here one summer more than a decade ago. The door is closed with another handmade sign taped to it, which reads, _Wildcats only_.

Taylor breaks out into her practiced smile when she opens the door. “Kelsi!” she says, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around the closest person. Chad smiles and waits his turn to do the same as the rest of the group registers their presence.

Then they’re surrounded by old classmates and friends. He rolls his eyes when Troy steps forward for his turn. “I saw you last week,” he reminds him. “You don’t count.”

Gabriella laughs, and Troy pretends to pout.

“Where’s the girlfriend?” he hears Taylor asks Kelsi. “I’ve heard so much about her, I can’t wait to meet her in person.”

Kelsi’s smile grows a little smaller when she says, “She’s not, actually. Um. We broke up. I’m here by myself.”

Taylor frowns. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine, really. A long time coming.”

Chad rips his attention away from the awkward conversation when a sparkly hat invades his sight. Ryan tips the hat down a little, and Chad grins. “Hey! Congrats, man. You nervous?”

They hug, and he can’t look away from the ring.

Ryan shrugs. “A little. It’s weird to think I’m getting married before you, though. You and Taylor have been together forever.”

Chad hopes his response doesn’t come across as rehearsed as it is. “Taylor’s too busy right now to worry about planning a wedding.” It sounds a bit hollower than usual, so he smiles to make up for it. “Besides, it was weird enough when Troy got married. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

“If not now, then when?” he asks, and Chad doesn’t have a good response to that.

“Ryan!” Taylor approaches with a drink already in her hand. Chad raises an eyebrow at it, but doesn’t say anything. “Congratulations! When are we going to meet the lucky man?”

“Thanks.” He hugs her, then says, “Tomorrow, hopefully. I wanted tonight to be a reunion just for us. Like old times, you know?”

“Of course,” she says. “It’s nice having everyone back together again.” With a quick glance at Chad, she moves away to talk to Zeke and Martha.

“So how have you been?” Ryan asks. “I don’t know much about basketball, but from what I’ve heard, you seem to be doing pretty well.”

“We’re doing okay,” Chad says. “To tell you the truth, as long as I get to play, I don’t care much about the score.”

Ryan grins. “Do you still carry a basketball around all the time? I’m surprised you’re not holding one right now.”

“Hey now. I’m not quite that bad anymore.”

“He’s worse,” Troy, who had been passing by to visit the drink table, cuts in.

Chad rolls his eyes again as Ryan laughs. He can’t get over seeing Ryan again like this. In many ways, he looks exactly the same, with the same ridiculous hats, same tall boots, and same smile that lights up his whole face. But he’s also different too. The laugh lines are a little deeper, shoulders a little broader. Chad can’t explain the weird feeling in his stomach when he looks at him, and excuses himself to get a drink in the hopes of quelling it.

He doesn’t see Sharpay approach until it’s too late to run away.

“Danforth,” she says.

Internally, Chad sighs. Externally, he says, “Hey, Sharpay.”

He’d been curious how she and Zeke would act around each other, since, as far as he knows, they haven’t interacted since graduation. But they’ve seemed civil so far. From what he’s heard, Zeke is with someone he’d met at college, and is nothing but smiles when he talks about her.

Sharpay fixes herself a drink. “I’m glad to see Taylor dresses you these days. It’s a nice improvement.”

From anyone else, he’d be insulted. From Sharpay, he’s amazed she lowered herself to give such a lavish compliment. “Thanks.”

She almost smiles at him before walking away.

Later, he asks Ryan about the last event he choreographed, and his brain glazes over a bit listening to the guy talk, but he doesn’t interrupt. At the end of the night, Ryan invites them all to take advantage of the empty rooms at the club to avoid paying for hotels.

Chad feels a little weird staying there, but Taylor is thrilled at the thought, so they do. The bed is large, and a bit stiffer than Chad is used to, but he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.


	2. Chapter 2

_“I’m not saying I’m gonna dance at the show, but if I did, what’d you have me do?”_

_The rush from the victory was not quite enough to ignore the way Ryan was avoiding Chad’s every attempt to make eye contact in the locker room. He decided to shower to give himself a chance to be alone with his thoughts, and did not expect Ryan to step in the stall right next to his._

_Chad had never showered so quickly in his life. Then he was stepping out, towel wrapped around his waist as he headed for the haphazard pile of clothes thrown onto the bench. Ryan’s were piled neatly beside his. As he stared at them, he heard the water stop._

_Chad didn’t move when Ryan stepped up behind him._

_“You sure you’re alright?” Ryan asked, tentatively, like he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer._

_“Yeah,” Chad said without thinking, and then, like an idiot, he turned around._

_They stood very close, much closer than Chad had expected. He wasn’t prepared to see Ryan’s eyes, suddenly so large and wide, pupils dilated to an insane degree. He watched a droplet of water escape his hair and roll down his nose to curl around his lips._

_When Chad swallowed, his throat was very dry._

_Ryan took the tiniest step forward, so small that Chad only noticed because he was noticing everything. The subtle definition on Ryan’s arms and waist. The smooth pale skin. The faint something taking over his lips as they curved upward._

_They stared at each other. Ryan’s lips parted ever so slightly, and Chad studied them. They were pinker than they had any right to be, and looked so soft. Chad must have moved, or maybe Ryan really could read minds. He closed the remaining space between them and they were kissing._

_Chad had kissed plenty of girls before. He’d given his first girlfriend, Susan, a tiny peck on the lips behind the jungle gym during recess, only for her to break up with him a week later because they “weren’t compatible.” He’d hooked up with Ashley after a basketball game freshmen year, and skipped gym class every day for a week to do it again. He’d kissed cheerleaders and track stars and even a girl from the debate team. He’d almost kissed Taylor once, but she’d turned him down. She was waiting for something from him first, some code he’d yet to crack, though he didn’t doubt he’d figure it out eventually. Despite all the girls he’d kissed before, that felt nothing like kissing Ryan._

_It was immediately obvious that Ryan didn’t have a lot of experience. His movements were clumsy in a way that only novices could be, but he made up for that with confidence. Ryan pressed Chad into the wall and kissed him like the world was ending, and in that moment, Chad would’ve been okay if it had. His brain melted until nothing remained but warm skin and openmouthed kisses and the scent of whatever body wash Ryan used._

_When his hands moved from Chad’s neck and shoulders, Chad stilled. Perhaps sensing the approaching panic, Ryan stepped back._

_“Sorry,” he said. “Too much?”_

_Chad was breathing harder than he had during the entire baseball game, and Ryan was no different._

_The enclosed space was suddenly too much. He needed out of there. Chad grabbed a shirt without really looking, and only after he put it on did he realize it wasn’t his. “Oh,” he said dumbly._

_“Keep it,” Ryan said. “We’re about the same size anyway.”_

_So they dressed in each other’s clothes, and left the locker room without looking at each other. Chad’s heart kept pounding furiously at what he’d done, but Ryan seemed lighter than he had for as long as Chad had known him. He ordered some food for them to share, and Chad was too freaked out to insist on paying for some of it._

_They sat together, and he tried to force himself to relax. He leaned into Ryan, knees pressing together underneath the table. Just as his heart finally started to slow, footsteps jarred him out of his false complacency, and Chad quickly scooted away._

_Ryan’s expression didn’t change, and he smiled when Taylor and Gabriella joined them. If anyone noticed their outfits, they didn’t comment, for which Chad was grateful._

_He spent the rest of the day periodically touching his lips and remembering how Ryan tasted. He spent most of the night brainstorming ways to make it happen again._

Chad’s eyes fly open and he sits up fast. Sweat clings to his chest and back, and he wipes a few droplets off his forehead with shaky movements.

Taylor groans beside him. “What?” she mumbles. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Chad says. “Just a weird dream.”

It may have been a dream, but it felt more real than any Chad has ever had before. He blinks into the darkness as the sweat dries on his skin. His lips tingle, and he presses them together to make it stop.

He’s not able to go back to sleep or shake the disturbingly vivid memory. After tossing and turning for a few hours, he gives up and goes on an early morning run. No matter how loud he blasts his music, shortening the lifespan of his earbuds, he can’t stop thinking about it. Once the rest of the world finally wakes, Chad finds himself in the backseat of Troy’s car, on their way to meet Ryan’s fiancé and unable to relax.

Seeing the real Ryan so soon after the dream version leaves an odd taste in Chad’s mouth. The sensation only grows stronger when Ryan steps aside to indicate the tall brunette beside him. “Everyone, this is my fiancé, James.”

James smiles and shakes people’s hands as Ryan introduces them. They move down the line until reaching Chad, and James raises an eyebrow when Ryan says Chad’s name.

“So _you’re_ Chad Danforth,” James says, gripping Chad’s hand firmly. “Ryan has told me a lot about you.”

“Really?” Chad asks, genuinely surprised.

“He always puts your games on the TV, even though neither of us understand basketball.” He laughs, and Ryan’s pale face whitens even further. “Houston Rockets, right?”

“That’s right.” He faces Ryan fully now, and adds, “I didn’t know you watched me play.”

He waves a hand in a gesture that encompasses everything and nothing at all. “I try to keep up with what my friends are doing.”

Chad smiles, like he’s supposed to, and Ryan introduces Taylor next. With the focus off him, Chad lets his gaze settle on Ryan’s mouth.

Taylor nudges his arm and he snaps out of it. “What?”

“I said, do you want to sit down?” There’s something calculating behind her eyes, and Chad has to look away, offering a quick nod.

Lunch passes agonizingly slowly. Every time James smiles at Ryan, or leans into his touch, Chad’s stomach twists. Ryan tastes a bite of food off his fiancé’s fork, and Chad almost breaks his hand from gripping his own utensil too hard.

At one point, Taylor lightly touches his knee. Leaning close to his ear, she murmurs, “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head. “Nothing.”

She waits.

He sighs at her expression. “I just feel a bit weird, that’s all. Didn’t sleep well.”

Her gaze flits between him and whatever loving display of affection the happy couple is currently engaged in. “Then make sure you get to sleep early tonight.”

“Right.” He focuses on taking tiny bites of food, and avoids looking in a certain direction. Hopefully he gets over this weirdness soon. He’d hate for it to continue the whole time he’s here. He did miss Ryan, after all, and hoped they could catch up a bit while everyone was in town.

“Well, I’m glad I got this chance to meet you all before the craziness really starts,” James says. “Unfortunately, I’ve got to run. I promised my brothers we’d have some quality family time this evening.”

“I have some stuff to get to as well, but maybe I’ll see some of you later,” Ryan says.

Chad has never been more grateful to be able to hide in his room. Taylor heads out with some of the girls to do who knows what, and Troy invites him to shoot hoops, but Chad declines.

He lies on his bed, staring at the ceiling and replaying his dream over and over. How many times had he wondered what would’ve happened if he hadn’t moved away that day? How many times had he stared at Ryan when he thought the other wasn’t looking, and wished he could summon the courage to try again?

God, this was insane. The guy was getting married. He was getting married, and Chad had a girlfriend, and the past was the past.

_“Sorry,” Ryan said, voice raspier than Chad had ever heard it in real life. His skin was flushed, his hair a tangled mess, and all Chad wanted to do was kiss him again. “Too much?”_

He slaps a hand over his eyes and groans. “What’s wrong with me?” he asks the empty room.

No one answers, of course, and Chad eventually drags himself to his feet and heads down to the main lobby. Maybe a change of scenery is all he needs.

He probably shouldn’t have been surprised to see Ryan wandering down one of the nearby hallways, staring at each nondescript picture he passes.

“Hey man,” Chad calls out, and Ryan’s face lights up when he spots him. Chad joins him on his wandering, and they make small talk for a few minutes.

Finally, Ryan says, “I gotta say, I kinda miss the cheesy T-shirt slogans.”

Chad glances down at his button up. “Taylor doesn’t like when I wear them out.”

Ryan hums. “You just don’t seem like you without them, Danforth.”

Eager to change the subject, Chad latches onto the first thing he can think of. “You called me Chad today.”

“Did I?” he asks.

“When you were introducing me.”

Ryan glances away. “Ah.”

“I liked it. You should do it more often.”

He snorts. “I don’t know if I can. I’m too used to calling you Danforth.” He doesn’t make eye contact when he says this.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Ryan asks, “Are you and Taylor…okay?”

Chad frowns. “What do you mean?”

He shrugs. “You just don’t seem particularly happy.”

Chad forces a laugh. “Of course I’m happy. I’ve got my dream job, dream girl, awesome friends…” Their gazes lock and he forgets whatever he was going to say. Eventually, he adds, “I have everything I wanted.”

Ryan shakes his head. “The Chad I remember was full of contradictions. I don’t think even he knew what he really wanted. I doubt much has changed.”

_Flushed skin.“Sorry," Ryan said. "Too much?”_

Chad clears his throat. “You’d be surprised.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

Chad doesn’t know why he says it, but he suddenly feels like he’ll explode if he keeps it to himself any longer. “You remember that baseball game, the summer before senior year?”

Ryan smiles. “Of course. I wanted a rematch, which I never got, by the way.”

“Remember the locker room after?”

His smile freezes, vanishes, tries valiantly to return. “What about it?”

“Do you remember?”

Ryan stops walking. “What do you—”

He cuts him off. He needs to know if he’s the only one. “Just answer.”

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “I remember.”

“Did you want to kiss me?”

Ryan blanches, but then his face goes carefully blank. Chad may as well be looking at a brick wall. “Excuse me?”

“I’ve thought about that day a lot,” he says. “More than I should. Especially recently.” He lets out a strangled-sounding laugh. “I’ve started dreaming about it.”

Ryan stares at his shoes for a long moment. “I don’t—”

“Just tell me. Please. Did you want to?”

All at once, the confusion is replaced with anger. Ryan straightens and fixes him with a cold glare. “Are you seriously asking me that, right now, days before my wedding? You were always dumber than a pile of bricks, Danforth, but—”

“I told you to call me Chad.”

Ryan closes his eyes like this physically wounds him. “Chad.” Then he shivers. “I can’t do this. I can’t—I have to—” He starts to walk away, but then stops. Turns. “Yes.” His gaze flickers to Chad’s mouth. “I wanted to kiss you.”

He leaves before Chad can respond.


	3. Chapter 3

_Nothing happened the rest of the summer. They saw each other almost every day as they prepared for the show Ryan had fought so hard for, but they never acknowledged what took place in the locker room. Ryan tried to make eye contact the first few days after, but Chad kept his own gaze carefully away, and made sure they were never the only two people in a room. Eventually, Ryan seemed to get the message._

_Chad wasn’t homophobic or anything, he’d just always had a pretty solid view of himself, and Ryan made him question things that he didn’t want to question. But the longer he went observing Ryan from a distance, or talking to him without ever actually saying anything, the stronger the pang in his chest became._

_By the time senior year began, he couldn’t ignore it any longer. So he got Taylor alone one day after class to have the most awkward conversation of his life. She was surprisingly understanding, more so than he deserved, and afterwards, Chad took his time gathering his things from his locker. Feeling more at ease than he had in weeks, he didn’t notice anyone approach until manicured nails tapped on the locker next to his._

_Chad jumped, then jumped again when he realized Sharpay was the one glaring daggers at him._

_“What did you do?” she asked._

_“Huh?”_

_He expected steam to pour out of her ears as she clenched her hands into fists at her sides. “You did something to Ryan. He’s been moping for weeks and I can’t figure out why. If I find out you’ve hurt him—”_

_“I didn’t,” he interrupted, then thought back to the hurt looks Ryan had been making. “I mean...” He kind of did, didn’t he?_

_“Oh God,” she groaned. “I told him not to go chasing after a straight guy, and what does he do?”_

_Maybe it was the conversation with Taylor, or maybe it was the way Sharpay spat the word_ straight _, like it was the worst thing a person could be. Chad crossed his arms defensively and blurted, “I’m gay.”_

_Sharpay froze. Blinked. Blinked again. “What?”_

_God, it felt so good to say out loud. Chad repeated himself just to feel the words linger on his tongue. “I’m gay. For your brother, in case that wasn’t clear.” He sort of laughed, then. “I freaked out a bit when I realized, and needed space to figure it out, I guess.”_

_She stared at him like she’d never seen him before. “You’re gay._ You’re _gay. You.”_

_He shrugged. “It’s amazing what you learn about people once you stop assuming things.” He didn’t know where the words came from, but they sounded good. Thoroughly enjoying a speechless Sharpay, and to rub salt in the wound, he added, “Your brother taught me that.”_

_“Did I?”_

_Chad froze. When he turned, Ryan was smirking at him._

_He resisted the urge to scratch at the back of his neck. “You heard that, huh?”_

_Ryan shrugged. “It wasn’t anything I didn’t already know.” Glancing over Chad’s shoulder, he added, “Hey Shar, could we have a minute?”_

_Sharpay left without a word, glancing behind her once to stare in undisguised amazement._

_“She doesn’t like being proved wrong about things,” Ryan said once she was out of earshot._

_“Me neither,” Chad said. “Sorry I’m an idiot.”_

_Ryan smirked again. “I’m sure you can make it up to me.”_

_Chad’s face heated against his will, which he ignored. “So what now?”_

_He shrugged. “Whatever you want.”_

_Whatever he wanted, huh? Chad grinned_.

He wakes to Vivaldi’s _Four Seasons_ blaring from Taylor’s phone. Chad gazes at the ceiling while Taylor gets up to answer it.

“Hello?” she asks as quietly as she can. She’s quiet for a few moments, then continues a bit louder than before, “ _No_ , Richard, I said not to release it until next week at the earliest—”

Chad yanks his pillow out from under him and presses it down over his ears.

Some of the guys get together for a pickup basketball game, and Chad agrees just to have something to do. Even though he plays professionally, his heart isn’t in it today, and he lets Troy score against him more times than he can count.

When they stop for a water break, Troy asks if he’s alright.

“Yeah,” Chad says, and punches his shoulder. “Figured I’d let you win for once.”

He chuckles. “I appreciate it, man. Soon I expect Audrey to start beating me, too. She’s already got an awesome free throw.”

Chad smiles. He loves watching his friend’s face light up when he talks about his daughter. “I don’t doubt it. Can’t wait to watch her play in a few years.”

His eyes wander, locking onto movement through the windows. “Hey, I gotta go. Catch you later.” He jogs out the door without waiting for a response, and doesn’t slow until the glittery hat comes back into view. “Yo! Ryan!”

Ryan stiffens for a moment, but lets Chad approach. “Hey.”

Once he gets close enough, Ryan resumes walking, and they stroll side by side for a while. “Look,” Chad says, “I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I was out of line.”

Ryan waves a hand. “Let’s just forget it, yeah?”

Ignoring his sinking heart, Chad nods. “Yeah.”

Their walk takes them down a familiar path, and soon the baseball stadium looms in the distance. Chad nudges Ryan. “How about a rematch? For old times’ sake?”

He looks like he’s going to refuse, and Chad can’t believe his ears when he says yes.

It’s not much of a game with just two people, but they take turns pitching for the other. It’s obvious neither of them have played in a long time, though after a few rounds, Ryan starts throwing like he’s back in high school, and Chad’s hits grow more consistent.

Studying the ball in his hand, Ryan smirks. “I’ll show you that it’s one and the same.” His voice melts into a song Chad thought he’d forgotten. “Baseball, dancing, same game.”

Chad tries to stop a grin from sneaking across his face. “I wanna play ball now, and that’s all. It ain’t no dance that you can show me.” He accentuates the words with a little twirl, and Ryan laughs.

Holding the bat in position, Chad adds, “I’ll show you how I swing.”

At that, Ryan’s laugh abruptly cuts off, and, without warning, he pitches.

Chad moves on pure instinct, and the ball connects with a loud clang as it soars into the air. Whooping, he sprints around the bases. “I don’t dance!” he shouts.

“I know you can,” Ryan calls back, and Chad is too out of breath to keep singing.

The hot sun has Chad's clothes sticking to him with sweat. Thankfully, he brought his water bottle with him. He takes a long swig before offering it to Ryan, who hesitates for only a moment before taking a sip.

They’re both breathing hard and not really looking at each other. Chad says, “I should probably get my stuff from the locker room before Troy hides it somewhere.”

Ryan nods. “I’ll walk with you.”

They head there without speaking. Chad keeps trying to swallow passed whatever is growing in his throat. They both hesitate together at the threshold. It looks far less fancy than Chad remembers.

Finally, Ryan laughs. “This feels like the scene of a crime or something. God, that was so long ago.”

“Not for me,” Chad says. “Feels like it happened yesterday.”

Ryan stops laughing. They look at each other. Chad’s heart beats loudly within his chest, drowning out all other noise, all other thought.

“Chad,” Ryan says, softly, carefully, like the word is something fragile he is not worthy to hold.

Then Chad closes the distance between them, wrapping one arm around Ryan’s waist and the other behind his neck. When they kiss, Chad’s senses come to life for the first time in a long time, and it’s like a dam breaks. Ryan opens his mouth and kisses back like he’ll die if he doesn’t.

Clothes fall to the floor as they make their way to the showers. Ryan pulls him in and turns on the water, and the spray momentarily clears Chad’s mind enough that he knows he should stop this. He made choices he can’t undo, and so did Ryan, commitments to other people that aren’t easily broken. But then Ryan smiles, slow and shy like they’re sixteen again, and Chad doesn’t care about tomorrow. He doesn’t care about anything beyond the water cascading over Ryan’s bare skin, skin that Chad can finally touch. So he pushes Ryan back against the wall, and Ryan shivers at the chill, but when Chad kisses his neck, he shivers for an entirely different reason.

Touching Ryan is so much better than anything in Chad’s dreams.

***

Taylor is back in their room when he returns, typing away on her phone and half-heartedly watching some rom-com on the hotel’s cable. She asks where Chad was without glancing up from the screen and Chad offers some pathetic excuse that Taylor is too distracted to see through.

Staring at her sitting on the bed, Chad steels himself. “Taylor.”

“Hm?” she asks, still not looking at him.

Chad mutes the TV. “Taylor.”

That gets her attention. She looks at him with thinly veiled impatience. “What?”

“This isn’t working. You know that, don’t you?”

She’s quiet for a long time. “I’m surprised you even noticed.”

And, yeah, that hurts. Chad sits carefully on the edge of the bed. “What?”

Hesitating, Taylor reaches over to place her hand over his. “We haven’t worked together for a while.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

She shrugs, quickly wiping away a tear that threatens to fall. “It just felt like what we were supposed to do.” She stands and composes herself. “I’ll stay with Kelsi tonight. I’ll be back early tomorrow for my things.”

“Wait,” Chad says. “You’re not going to the wedding?”

She rolls her eyes. “Of course I am. And you’re still my date. I just don’t think we need to pretend to be anything else anymore.”

She leaves soon after, and Chad wonders if she’ll cry about this to Kelsi, or if she feels the same way Chad does.

He stares at his suit hanging in the closet, wishing more than anything that he could erase memories. Because now that he knows what it’s like to kiss Ryan, no one else can compare.

Collapsing on the bed, he wills his racing thoughts to slow. The bed is far too big for one person, and Chad curls into himself to protect against the chill.


	4. Chapter 4

_He used to believe sports were everything. They were his ticket out of anonymity and financial insecurity, and were something he was actually good at. He understood sports in a way he never understood much else._

_Being with Ryan made him reevaluate this worldview. Ryan didn’t expect him to change who he was. He never dropped passive aggressive remarks about parts of him he didn’t like, which Taylor had done far too often. Instead, Ryan challenged him to expect more from himself and the people he cared about._

_The first time they held hands in public, Chad half-expected something to explode. When all his friends did was hug and congratulate him, he became too emotional to speak._

_Oddly enough, the person who seemed most affected by the whole thing was Sharpay. She kept glaring at Chad the first week after their conversation, as if she expected him to yell “sike” at any moment. When that didn’t happen, she grew distant from everyone, even Ryan._

_Ryan kept assuring him it wasn’t his fault, and Chad knew that Sharpay of all people wasn’t homophobic, so he couldn’t figure out what the issue was. Which was why he found himself following her one day during lunch when he spotted her sneaking away from everyone else. He wasn’t surprised that she disappeared to the theater department, but he was surprised when she didn’t grow annoyed that someone else was already there._

_Kelsi was sitting behind the piano, her lunch ignored on the floor beside her, and paused when she realized Sharpay was heading straight for her. Chad hid out of sight, just close enough that he could barely make out the words when Sharpay asked, “Mind if I listen?”_

_“Not at all.” Kelsi resumed playing, and Sharpay just leaned against the piano and watched._

_After a couple minutes of this, Chad felt weird for spying and started to head for the door. Before he could reach it, the music stopped._

_“Did you really just come here to hear me play?” Kelsi asked._

_Chad inched forward enough to see Sharpay shrug. She suddenly looked so much less confident than she usually did. “I just can’t help thinking sometimes.”_

_When she didn’t seem inclined to continue, Kelsi asked, “About?”_

_Sharpay studied her nails. “Danforth.”_

_Kelsi frowned, and so did Chad. “Why? Do you like him or something?”_

_“God, no. Gross.” She hesitated. “I just never expected him of all people to be gay, and realizing I was wrong makes me wonder what else I was wrong about.”_

_“I see,” Kelsi said, though she didn’t sound like she did._

_Sharpay explained, “I did everything I could to snag Troy for myself because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. But. But.” She gestured wildly. “Well, I thought you would understand, and maybe be able to help.”_

_“Understand what?” Kelsi asked._

_“You_ are _a lesbian, aren’t you?”_

_Kelsi’s head jerked up so fast Chad was shocked she didn’t break anything. “I’m sorry, what?”_

_Chad felt like he’d heard too much, and decided to give them a bit of privacy. Sneaking back out into the hall, he walked to the cafeteria as casually as he could._

_He couldn’t wait to tell Ryan._

Taylor knocks on the door ridiculously early, but Chad is already awake. They get ready in silence, and neither of them ask the other how they slept. There are shuttles to take people between the church and the country club, where the reception will be. He and Taylor are the only two Wildcats on their particular shuttle, and Chad lets his mind wander anxiously.

When they arrive and step inside, Chad slows and then stops entirely. “I have something I need to do.”

Taylor doesn’t look surprised. Instead, she says, “Cutting it a bit close, aren’t you?”

Chad stares at her. “What?”

“Don’t act like you didn’t expect me to figure it out.” She smiles, and she looks rather beautiful like that, in a yellow sundress Chad has never seen before.

For a split second, he second guesses himself. Things don’t have to change. He could apologize, beg Taylor to take him back, and forget about the dreams that haunt him day and night. He could dismiss this whole mess of a trip as a colossal mistake and never think about it again.

“Save me a seat, yeah?” he asks.

She kisses his cheek. “If all goes well, hopefully I won’t have to.” Then she’s gone, joining the crowd of people who’d arrived before them, and Chad tries to track down the room Ryan is in.

A helpful sign lets him know he’s in the right place. Mrs. Evans answers when he knocks on the door. Her eyebrows rise, but otherwise she doesn’t let on to her surprise. “Chad, honey,” she says. “Is this important? It’s getting awfully close to the ceremony.”

He hears Ryan’s muffled voice from somewhere out of sight, and his mother asks him, “You sure?” before she shrugs and steps aside for Chad to enter. “I’ll give you two a few minutes. But just a few, alright? It’s almost show time.”

Ryan wears a white suit with a baby blue shirt underneath. He looks incredible, and Chad has to take a moment to calm his pounding heart.

Ryan speaks first, his voice slightly higher than usual. “What’s up?”

Chad gives him a look. “What’s up? Well, yesterday, if I remember correctly—”

“Stop.” He raises a hand. For once, he’s not wearing a hat, and he doesn’t look like himself without one.

Chad clears his throat. “I just think we should—”

“Should what? Talk about it?” Ryan laughs, but it sounds nothing like himself. This laugh is bitter and full of pain. “There’s nothing to talk about. You have Taylor, and I have James. _We_ were the past. It’s best to leave it there.”

“I broke up with Taylor.”

This, finally, earns a look of surprise. Ryan is stunned for just a moment, and then he recovers. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“No, you’re not,” Chad says.

“Yes, I am.” He’s glaring now. His eyes are shinier than they were a minute ago, and Chad’s heart breaks a little at the sight. “Because that just makes this harder.”

Chad forces himself to say, “It’s not too late.”

“It’s not?” Ryan waves at their surroundings. “Look around you. This is my wedding day. I’m about to marry the _only_ person who ever gave a shit about me. James loves me. And I love him.”

Yeah, the words hurt, enough that Chad only feels a little bad at retorting with, “If that were true you wouldn’t have kissed me yesterday.”

He looks away. “That was a mistake. A-a goodbye. We’re done, Danforth.”

Chad steps closer. “I told you to call me Chad.”

Ryan swallows. “What are you doing?”

He takes another step. “Look, tell me to leave, and I will.” Another step. “Just say the words.”

Ryan is frozen, so still he could be carved out of stone.

He steps close enough that he can see flecks of gray in Ryan’s eyes. “Say it,” he whispers.

Ryan shakes his head. “It’s too late.”

“No,” Chad says. “I really don’t think it is.”

He longs to reach out, but he won’t be the first one to move. That has to belong to Ryan, who just stands there, staring.

As if coming out of a dream, Ryan blinks and shakes his head. “No.”

His insides crumbling, Chad nods once. “Okay. I’ll leave you alone then. Good luck with everything.”

He leaves quickly, almost knocking over Mrs. Evans when he does. He pauses at the main entrance, glancing down the aisle where he can see Taylor and the other Wildcats sitting together.

He can’t do it. He’s not strong enough. He flees, tripping down the front steps and hurrying around the side where benches sit beneath the sparse shade of what counts for trees in New Mexico. He collapses onto a bench and gazes at nothing. He can hear the music start, even from where he is, and envisions Ryan walking down the aisle and smiling at the asshole waiting at the end of it.

Chad sighs. No, James isn’t an asshole. Chad is, for being too scared to ever go after what he wanted and settling for what he thought he had to. He loses track of time sitting there, hating himself, but eventually people begin filtering outside. Summoning energy he didn’t know he had, Chad joins the crowded shuttles, avoiding all eye contact and slumping low in his seat. Everyone chats loudly around him, but he shoves earbuds in and blocks them out.

When they return to the country club, Chad doesn’t head to the rooms designated for the reception, preferring to wander aimlessly instead. He’ll just wait a bit, until some of the initial congratulating and toasting is done, then he’ll join. He just needs some more time to plaster on a believable smile.

When his stomach demands that he stop ignoring his hunger, Chad heads back. As he nears the entrance, he does not expect to see Sharpay step outside holding two drinks. To his surprise (and fear), she walks straight toward him.

“Hey?” he says questioningly when she’s close enough for it to be awkward if he doesn’t.

She just hands him a glass without looking at him. “Don’t want it to go to waste, right?”

He stops subtly trying to determine if it’s poisoned to frown at her. “What do you mean?”

She gives him a strange look, but says, “People are pissed. A lot of them aren’t sticking around.”

He’s not following. “Why?”

“The wedding’s off.” She says the words slowly, like Chad needs help with basic comprehension skills, and maybe he does.

She continues, “I assume it’s all your fault. Ryan’s emotional messes usually involve you somehow.”

Chad doesn’t know what to say. He downs the drink in his hand.

Sharpay doesn’t comment, and just takes a sip from her own. “So. You gonna tell me what you did?”

He really would rather not have this conversation with Sharpay of all people, but, well, she _is_ Ryan’s sister. “I had a bit of a gay crisis.”

She stares at him. Finally, without blinking, she empties her glass. “That makes sense, then.”

“I didn’t—I’m sorry,” Chad says.

She snorts. She almost looks human when she does it. “You’re apologizing to the wrong Evans.”

Chad studies his empty cup. “I doubt Ryan wants to see me right now, or ever again.”

“Oh, don’t be stupid.” She shoves a piece of paper into his free hand. “Just hurry up already.”

Confused, he unfolds the paper to see a number. “What is this?”

“The room Ryan’s in, obviously.”

Ice freezes his veins. “But—”

She rolls her eyes. “I’m not particularly known for my patience, you know.”

Chad swallows. “Why would you—”

“Look, it’s not for you. It’s for my brother.”

He smiles for the first time all day. “Promise me something?”

She squints like he’s lost his mind. “Excuse me?”

“If I do this, you have to find Kelsi.”

Sharpay frowns. “Kelsi? Why?”

He doesn’t know how to explain his dreams, so he just says, “I think you have more in common than you realize.”

It’s not obvious, but Chad has spent enough time around the Evans family lately to recognize the look of panic that creeps across Sharpay’s face. “What do you mean?”

“Just a feeling. Promise?”

Narrowing her eyes, she delicately takes the glass from Chad’s hand. “Whatever will get you out of here faster. Move, Danforth.”

So he does.

The walk takes ages, and no time at all. He encounters no one he knows on the way there, and as relieved as that makes him, he also would’ve liked to see a friendly face. Too soon, he stands outside the room number and raises a shaky hand.

Ryan opens the door in a loosened tie and untucked shirt. He looks like a mess. He looks beautiful.

“Chad,” he says. He doesn't look surprised. “Hi.”

He waves like an idiot. “Hi.”

Ryan steps aside. “Come in?”

Chad steps over the threshold. The room had clearly been acting as Ryan’s temporary quarters for the last few days. Discarded outfits cover every available surface.

As soon as the door shuts, Ryan says, “I hate you.”

He looks as tired as Chad feels, but then he smiles, and it’s the same smile from Chad’s dreams, small and vulnerable and meant for no one but him.

_Sorry I’m an idiot,_ his dream self had said. And Ryan had just smirked in reply.

So Chad asks, “How can I make it up to you?”


End file.
